I had a dream last night that Trent and I were dating, but were on a break. He had broken up with me and I was trying to win him back, but casually because I didn't want to be overbearing. I was on some sort of vacation with him and his whole family, including siblings who were married and their children. Although Tyler had just come home from a mission I think and was not married.
I wasn't attending church, and his family knew about this and it wasn't their favorite thing, understandably. One of the days on this random trip (at a HUGE random lodge thing, had escalators to random places and large indoor water features) Trenton declared that he had several hours of errands to run, and they were a couple of hours away. I offered to go if he wanted company and he said he would think about it.
While watching a sporting event at a professional sized field INSIDE this massive lodge (dreams are the best) Trenton announced to me I could come with him if I wanted to. At this moment, my dream self knew he was choosing me - not just to go on the trip - but giving me another chance. And then I woke up.
I'm going to get real here for a bit. I don't even know how many people even hop onto blogger these days, but I just wanted to get this out of my system.
I've always assumed Trenton was less happy (not happy) with me as a partner than he would be if he had married someone else. There are a LOT of reasons why I would think this. But the main reason is that I've never felt that I'm worthy of him. And then, once I realized he was human and had flaws like the rest of us, I just felt that we were "different" and " didn't have a lot in common". I've told him these things a few times over the years, but I truly believed it and DID NOT believe him when he would tell me he did in fact want to marry me and still wants to be married to me. I couldn't wrap my head around it.
But after I woke up from this dream, I realized, possibly, what has been happening. I thought HE was just surviving - staying married because we had promised God we would be married until the universe exploded and all things ceased to exist, but it was I who was surviving. We got married way too young. Trenton had to support a family before he even had a way of doing so. Both of us grew responsibility overnight, and I IMMEDIATELY could feel how detrimental this choice was for me, but I also didn't see that it was my circumstances, I thought it was just me - lacking. I was miserable. But this is tricky to explain because it wasn't Trenton I was miserable about - I was just as obsessed with him as ever, but now I just cut myself off from all of my other friends and connections (besides my mom, basically) because I didn't think people wanted to be friends with a married person, and I didn't know how to make friends without my roommates by my side. And also because we were supposed to cleave to one another, to be each other's everything. I didn't realize that I needed a community still. That expecting Trenton to be ALL that I needed wasn't fair to him, and I knew - already - that I couldn't be ALL of the things for Trenton.
We had babies too young. I hadn't even figured out why I was miserable being married (I don't think I even acknowledged that it was being married that was causing my depression) but thought babies would make me happy. Trenton was firm in our initial decision to wait until I finished my degree to have kids and I thought that was SO DUMB and I wanted babies RIGHT NOW.
But, baby in arms quickly followed by degree in hand, and I was still only surviving. I had everything I had worked in life to obtain - a forever husband who took me to the temple and served a mission and now a baby! the thing that Mormon women are really meant to do, make all the babies they can handle (but even maybe sometimes more than they can handle) but still, I was just surviving. I loved Brooklin and constantly spent every waking hour holding her, even while she napped. I wrote down every time she nursed and for how long and on what side because she was tiny and the doctor suggested I might keep track of her eating, so I did.
I realized this morning, after I woke up, that Trenton and I didn't get the chance to grow up and find our own selves before we were creating other humans. And because of my mental health (of which I didn't fully acknowledge was lacking and needed attention) I haven't felt JOY and ACCEPTANCE of my life until recently. Trenton didn't get a chance to find a career he was passionate about because he had supporting a (large) family always on his mind, even before he was married. I didn't get the chance to decide if I TRULY was cut out for staying at home with a nest of kids around me, or if I would have thrived as a person with a career. We, as a married couple, didn't get the chance to live and explore the world after graduating - we already had babies before we were financially stable enough to even consider something like that.
But this morning, I woke up from that dream about Trenton (who is backpacking right now) and wanted to be content with my life. I want to stop surviving. And after going over the dream, and admitting to myself that I had been only just surviving for YEARS, I understood that I CHOOSE this life. I have felt trapped, and inadequate, and lacking as a wife and mother and housekeeper, and overwhelmed at the responsibilities that are on our shoulders as the parents to 4 little humans. I think I'll still feel those things sometimes, maybe even a lot of the time, but something's different. Just like Trenton, I choose this. I no longer HAVE to be married because I no longer believe in a God who thinks it's a good idea for young humans to pick a forever partner, often before their own brains have even fully developed, and so being married is my choice and it's Trenton's choice, and it doesn't belong to anyone else.
I just want to repeat that. Trenton and I own this marriage. It is ours. We are partners and equals and we both do our best most of the time, and when we're not doing our best, we give each other grace. Our marriage is far from perfect, but I don't think there exists a marriage that is. But there ARE marriages where both partners are thriving and happy and comfortable. And taking care of yourself and your mental health is a BIG part of that, I think.
We were taught to serve each other in our marriage. But instead, we support each other and communicate our needs and ask for help as needed. I was raised to be a righteous woman in Zion - and I was for many years. I said yes to everything asked of me. I stopped wearing flip flops to church (I wear flip flops year round, even walked to school in them in the Utah snow) because the prophet at the time suggested it was too casual for God's house. I believed with all my being that I was made a woman and was therefore destined to be Trenton's sidekick (not equal) for eternity. We're TOLD at church that we're all equal, but that's just not true. One quick example - if I have ANY IDEA or ANY PERSONAL REVELATION dealing with a calling I'm in WHATEVER THAT CALLING IS and at ANY LEVEL in the church, there will ALWAYS be a man who can tell me NO. Always. Give me ONE example where there is not a man presiding OVER a woman. I'll wait to hear from you in the comments section, thanks.
But I digress. Thank you, Trenton, for choosing me. He has been able to see (and has tried to explain to me) that we are partners. It just hasn't felt like that (not because of HIM but because of cultural norms and expectations as I understood them) but now, at last, waking up and being SO EXCITED that he decided to give me another chance in our fake dream relationship that I realized, just like when I was 16 and knew he was a special human and wanted SO MUCH to be a part of his life, that I choose him. I want him. I want him to be happy and feel loved and appreciated and free. I'm not surviving. THIS is the time when I should have started having babies. But who knows. My mental health, while not currently in perfect condition, will possibly always be an up and down game (circumstantial depression anyone?) but I guess what I'm saying is I finally feel like I can be a patient and present mom. Yes, I still love me some alone time, but I'm finally missing my husband and children when they're away. Did you know that about me? From the day we were married, I haven't missed Trenton when we're apart, unless it was missing his help with the kids, but like, I didn't miss HIM as a person. I would miss Ruby when she was in nursery (that was SO HARD for me to send her, my other kids - not hard to send - but she was my last baby and I didn't want to share her!) But, I want Trenton to be home. I want to hold his hand and snuggle him and work on our little house projects we want to do and watch him play so patiently with the kids and make food that he'll find delicious. I want to snuggle my babies, I want them to be comfortable in their own skin, to find their passions through exposure to many things, to learn to be critical thinkers and compassionate human beings. I want them to be happy. And to have careers they are proud of. And to have families, if that's what they want.
I would have made different choices 15 years ago if I knew then what I know now, but, don't we all? In some way or in some parts of our life? Even if just small regrets, they're present, they're a part of the human experience. It's just nice to finally feel like I really do choose this.
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