Baby Little #3

Hello everyone! I know it's been a long time since we've updated, and I'm sorry to start up again on a sad note, but I think it's something I want to share - but it's kind of a sensitive/personal update, just so you're warned!

As most of you know, we were pregnant with our 3rd baby. I was 15 weeks, as of yesterday. I put off my first appointment until about 14 and a half weeks because I hadn't decided on a hospital I wanted to deliver at, and then once I decided on that, I had to choose a doctor. I finally just picked on, via referral, and set up an appointment.

I went in with the girls, waited our turn in the waiting room, and then was called and directed to a room. In case I forget to mention it, the girls did really great during the whole appointment. I was weighed, Brooklin was weighed (she LOVES stepping on the scale, because she is usually rewarded with a sticker, but no sticker this time, sorry babe!) my blood pressure was taken, a few questions were asked, and then nurse went to get the doctor. When he came in, he asked a few questions, checked the size of my uterus via palpitation, and said that things looked like they were right on track for my June 30 due date.

We were then ushered into the ultrasound room, where head measurements were taken, then body measurements, then fluid measurements. The ultrasound tech said that the doctor would join her. She went to get him, and they came back in and started measuring again. I was pointing out the baby to Brooklin on the screen, and she was loving every second! Mackenzi was loving on her blanket, all snuggled in her stroller :) The doctor took over moving the wand thing around, and then after a minute stopped and stepped really close to me. I really don't remember AT ALL what he said - he said a few things - and then he said "....no heart beat."

That, I do remember.

I didn't have ANY reaction at all, for a few seconds, and then it sunk in. And he was apologizing, and starting talking to me about how it was probably a chromosome thing, and that it happened when the sperm and egg met, and there was nothing I could do about - nothing that I did wrong, nothing that I could have done differently to prevent it. I was thinking about how I had just been showing the little munchkin to Brooklin, and how excited she was, and I think that's when I started to tear up. My eyes kind of didn't stop tearing that whole day I think. They mentioned that the baby probably stopped growing a week or two ago, so at 12 or 13 weeks along.

My emotions changed constantly from disappointment and sadness, to relief about not having three kids in six months, to peace and comfort - knowing that I was going to be okay and that I wasn't alone. These three main emotions have continued to bounce around in me since I found out we weren't going to have a baby after all.

I remember the doctor talking to me about my three options - 1. a d & c, where they dilate your cervix vaginally and then scrape out the lining of the uterus, or vacuum out if necessary, 2. taking medicine that would help me to "go into labor" and would cause my uterus to clear itself out and 3. waiting until my body decided that it was time to go into labor and deliver the baby on it's own time. Originally I was completely against the d & c, but that was because it was introduced to me as "surgery", with no other details than that. I could have asked clarifying questions if I would have thought to at the time, but honestly, even if I had, I probably wouldn't have remembered what was said. I do remember asking which of those options Dr. Bigler recommended, and I have absolutely NO clue what he said.

I was leaning towards the natural delivery for a little while, because after reading some women's experiences online a lot of them mentioned that it helped them to process what was happening, and to have closure etc. But after really thinking about it, I wasn't so sure I wanted to wait possibly multiple weeks for my body to decide it was time.

I got home from the appointment about at 11:30, which meant we were only at the doctor's office for an hour - it sure seemed like a lot longer than that! Both girls were pretty sleepy so they went down for naps. I went into the garage and jogged for a few minutes before deciding that what I really wanted to be doing was CLEANING. This is shocking, because I don't clean. I should, it's a necessary thing, but I just don't. So here I was wanting to clean and de-junk, so I got off the treadmill and decided to make the most of that desire. I threw away a lot of things, and threw even more things into a DI bag.

I hadn't told anybody at this point, I think I just wanted some time to myself to process what was happening, before I had to talk about it. Trenton called during my cleaning streak, but I missed the call as I was outside throwing away a huge bag of "garbage". I called him right back and he asked how my day was and I told him what we'd found at the ultrasound.

It's not the kind of news that you really are ever prepared to hear, ESPECIALLY if you have no reason to expect it. We've had two healthy babies, both of which we conceived the first time we tried - this third baby actually being no exception as far as conception goes. We thought we were in the clear, especially since (we thought) I was into the 2nd trimester, in which the chances of miscarriage drop significantly. He didn't really sound like he was having any sort of reaction at all, which I can relate to, since that's how I was initially. He said he was sorry and I kept crying and crying and I just wanted to get off the phone honestly, so I mentioned that I was in the middle of a cleaning streak and wanted to get back to it.

I did a little more picking up, and then I don't really remember much of what I did for the next little while. After an hour or so after I'd talked to Trenton I decided I should probably let family know, and texted the family. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone else over the phone, since mostly I was just bawling when I told Trenton. I thought that might be too traumatizing for everyone involved if I did that 10 times, to make all the calls I wanted to make. Texting is a blessing, in this case :)

I communicated with my brother Dan throughout the day to get his opinions about which of the options I should do, and ultimately, after talking with him, and after doing a little more research,  I decided the d & c was what i wanted. I didn't want to have to experience the pain of delivering the fetus, either naturally or with the aid of medicine.

To speed along the next phases of this experience... I went back to the doctor the next morning (Trenton was able to work from home so he could go with me, and  Grandma Little graciously watched the girls for us) and was informed that a d&c wasn't actually an option. I guess doing one when the baby is 13 weeks creates more complications than if it had been 12 or less weeks. My doctor didn't feel comfortable doing on, but said he could recommend me to a different clinic that might do it, but that I probably wouldn't be able to get in for another week or so. He said he would recommend taking medicine to try and deliver the baby over the next 24 hours.

I was really bummed, I had been emotionally prepared for the d&c - so the new plan took some getting used to.

We went and picked up my prescription, had some lunch, picked up the girls, and then went home. I started the pills right away, and actually started bleeding right after I started them. That first bit of blood really freaked me out, and kind of forced me to comprehend what was going to happen. We started to think about what we would do with the baby, if we could see it - and decided that since the doctor said we most likely wouldn't even be able to tell the difference between the baby and the other "stuff", that we'd just not worry about it.

We also decided that we didn't want to bury it in our yard, since we wouldn't be here probably for more than a few more years, and we have super rocky soil so we wouldn't be able to dig very deep, and we didn't want some future child or dog to dig up our little baby. That breaks my heart to think about, still.

I took my next dose at 7:30 - after the girls were in bed - and hopped right in the tub since my first dose caused cramps and aches. The tub felt so nice, but I started to bleed right away again, only this time it was a LOT - I could feel it come out, and after a few minutes my VERY FULL tub was bright pink, because of all the blood. Every time I saw something solid, I scooped it up and inspected it. I started to feel uncomfortable about my situation, I think the color of the water is what did it - so I got out, dried off, and continued the bleeding on the toilet. After a couple of minutes I felt the sensation of peeing, but it wasn't peeing - I realize now that it was probably my water breaking - so I looked down to see if I had peed, and actually I saw the baby coming out of me. It was kind of just hanging there, and I started to cry and cry, but then I quit and realized the doctor was SO wrong about it not really looking like a baby and I wanted so much to keep it from falling into the toilet, so I put my hand under and kind of pushed around the edge of where it was hanging and the rest of the body slipped out. I had my towel right there from having dried off and I placed the little baby on the towel. It was a perfect little 12-14 week fetus. The CUTEST hands and feet, perfect just perfect tiny tiny little toes and fingers. I will never forget how tiny and perfect they were. You could see the ribs, a belly button, perfect little legs and arms - but super rubbery - a HUGE alien fetus head with a tiny little open mouth and two perfect little eyes that were actually open. There were ears, too, and a cute little jaw and nose bone - with nostrils. I got Trenton's attention and we talked about what we should do with the little one. I didn't want to flush it down the toilet like many people said they had done, but we still didn't feel right about burying it either. We decided the best solution was to put it in a ziplock bag, then in a paper bag, and to throw it away. I don't know how this felt better than flushing, but it did. It didn't feel completely right though, and my heart had such a hard time putting that little one in a plastic sack. I wish I would have thought to wrap it in a little towel or blanket or even a handkerchief! I just wasn't thinking.

I slept horribly, I couldn't stop thinking about my little baby sitting out in the garbage can on the curb (garbage day) - but I didn't know what else I should do. My mom had mentioned that I could always take it into the doctor and they would take care of it for me, but I figured they would just throw it in the biohazard waste bin, and thought - what was the difference?

In the morning, I was heartbroken. I checked outside to see if the garbage man had come yet, and they hadn't. I opened the lid to see where Trenton had put the bag, and seeing it solidified my desire to find an alternate option.

I brought the baby back inside with me and called the doctor's office, pressing the button that was reserved for "pregnant women who are having an emergency" - because I knew I couldn't wait around all day for a nurse to respond to my voicemail - and it worked, I got to talk to someone right away. I wanted to know if there were any laws about the "disposal" of a fetus, and she said no. I mentioned that there was an actual baby, not just a sac and junk like the doctor said there would be, and that I didn't want to flush it or throw it away, but didn't know what my other options were. I had an appointment for that afternoon (this afternoon I guess) but she said to just come in and bring the baby with me and she would send it to pathology to make sure it was what I thought - and I said uh, I KNOW it's a baby. It has little hands and feet, what else would it be?

I went in, by myself this time (I was too impatient to wait for the girls to get wrangled), and I felt so peaceful about this new route. I'm not positive what tests they're going to run in "pathology", or if I'll ever find out anything about those tests, but I just felt better knowing that even if our baby was tossed or flushed, I wasn't the one doing it. That sounds so horrible to say, but that's how I felt. Peaceful.

My doctor checked to make sure I had delivered everything - not just the baby, and said that it looked like I had. I get to go in again next week for an ultrasound to double check that my uterus is clear and good to go. I guess if there's still "afterbirth" stuff in there I have to have a d&c to clear it out.

We are doing well, considering :) It's a lot harder to deal with than I originally thought. I'm grateful that I got to hold the little one, and that we got to take a couple of pictures to remember them by. I will always think of that little baby fitting in the palm of my hand when I see my hand held out in front of me. I'm amazed at the creation process, and so grateful to my Savior for His comfort - and for my family for their support.

I still can't talk about it without bawling, but I am feeling like maybe that's not going to change any time soon.